The Worst Programming Language

2022-04-25

Once there was a programming langauge environment so horrible that it was surely birthed from Hell's red maw itself. Nearly at the cost of my life, I've found a copy of the Creator's design notes. Behold:

• Monospace is too readable. Let's use Arial instead.
• And why bother with stack traces? Let's just say ERROR — that'll really get them going.
• Let's have two assignment operators. And if you use the wrong one — ERROR!
• Let's have two ways to make functions. And if you use the wrong one — ERROR!
• But why say ERROR? Let's just spit out a rumber like 400. We'll just claim it's concise.
• And speaking of concise, isn't full-screen too big and airy? Let's get rid of that.
• And let's really lean into that mid-90s aesthetic.
• If the user wrote an infinite loop, we're going to loop infinitely. Just force-kill the program if you dislike it so much.
• And just for good measure, let's make everything really low-level so that it takes ages to do anything. That's what we call craftsmanship!

If you know, you know.