The Worst Programming Language


Once there was a programming langauge environment so horrible that it was surely birthed from Hell's red maw itself. Nearly at the cost of my life, I've found a copy of the Creator's design notes. Behold:

  • Monospace is too readable. Let's use Arial instead.
  • And why bother with stack traces? Let's just say ERROR — that'll really get them going.
  • Let's have two assignment operators. And if you use the wrong one — ERROR!
  • Let's have two ways to make functions. And if you use the wrong one — ERROR!
  • But why say ERROR? Let's just spit out a rumber like 400. We'll just claim it's concise.
  • And speaking of concise, isn't full-screen too big and airy? Let's get rid of that.
  • And let's really lean into that mid-90s aesthetic.
  • If the user wrote an infinite loop, we're going to loop infinitely. Just force-kill the program if you dislike it so much.
  • And just for good measure, let's make everything really low-level so that it takes ages to do anything. That's what we call craftsmanship!

If you know, you know.